Boy, You’re Bipolar.

When I say boy, I am referring to a guy. Yes, but not just any guy, I’m talking about my manager, I’ve had an on and off crush on him since I started working here. The reason as to why my crush is so on and off is because he’s so damn on and off. It gets so annoying at times but then sometimes he plays around with me and I can’t help but giggle like a giddy school girl. 

One, let me start off my describing this sculpture of man, created by God himself. He is seriously beautiful, especially when he’s serious, it’s sexy because he’s more demanding. He has a black afro that screams out against his caramel skin. His eyes are a dark chocolaty brown, so intense and desirable. Everytime I stand close to him, Im secretly begging for him to lay those eyes on me.

 I need to shamefully admit that his butt is one of his nicest features. I check him out 90% of my shifts. 

When he’s in a good mood, he looks at me a lot more often. He pokes me in my side childishly and says, “get back to work!” He’ll even stand, unmoved, while I entangle myself around him as I try to reach for something. His body will press against my back and all I can really do is gasp quietly and continue doing what I’m doing. The dreadful thought of how his naked body would feel against mine only haunts me in the moment. 

I love when he’s playful, I find it so hard to resist and when he’s resistant and ignores me, I still find myself begging for his attention. I don’t know what it is about his denial that turns me on. 

Do you want to know the worst part about this? He has a girlfriend, but she is nonexistent when I see him. I feel like he acts differently with me than with the other employees and that’s why his girlfriend gives me the looks that she does but honestly sometimes lust can overpower guilt. I refuse to turn my crush into anything more but I can always daydream.
He’s really a fucking asshole. Thought that escalated quick, huh? That’s how fast his mood changes. He treats me like crap a majority of the time and I hate it. He’s usually in a bad mood and somedays he’ll switch from a good mood to bad mood to good, etc. He’ll boss me around and not like an employer to an employee but just like a bully to a little kid. He’s only two years older than me but sometimes he acts like it’s a 10 year difference. He really hurts my feelings sometimes, when he yells at me and picks on me. Sometimes I want to cry because I wish he would stop being such a jerk and just really look at me for once and see how much pain he’s causing. I wish he could look at me and see how much I just want him to just press me against a wall agressively and just…

Oh god, I want him.

The More You Know, The Less You Sleep.

Let me enlighten you, what I believe is that true fear comes from within us. Being awake and having knowledge is enough to drive me crazy, and you? Could you say your fears are any less odd or unexpected?

You might need to leave the teabag in because you’ll need your tea strong for this one. This is my first post of my late night thoughts. 

Ask yourself, why are children so innocent, so happy? Wouldn’t you say it’s because they lack knowledge of the world’s dangers and haven’t been touched by the corrupted knowledge that even we, as adults, fear? We fear knowledge, it cannot be helped, although there is a bunch of us who are willing to question our entire being, there are only a handful of us who are willing to accept the possible negative outcome. 

When you know that at the end of the day, everyday, all that’s really waiting for you is a comfy, wooden, casket that’ll be buried six feet under, how do you feel? Have you ever addressed death head on? Have you ever asked yourself, what’s next? 

Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Catholic, Atheism, or even those of you who believe in scientific theories, I know you have thought about it, we all have. Are you afraid? What if there is no after life and we are all doomed to dust? Or what if there is an afterlife but you don’t qualify to make it into paradise?  Doesn’t it scare you? Sometimes I cry, sometimes I scream and other times I beg God to stop the inevitable. Other times I force myself to accept an undetermined faith and sometimes I find it comforting and other times I find myself pulling my hair out.

I am on the bridge of madness but am I mad? Can you call a mad man mad because his brain contains more knowledge than yours? I know things and the existance of things and it scares me. I have such a long journey ahead of me in this life and Im scared but I can’t help but be curious. Do you want to know what scares me the most and makes me fear for my life? Humans.

Started at Second Cup

So there I was, sitting in front of the coffee shop Second Cup and a saddness came over me that caused me to pick up my phone, enter the app store and type the word “Blog” into the search bar. I felt like I needed a release, an escape of some kind and it couldn’t just be any escape but it had to be one that sparked my interest. I have been writing fictional stories since the sixth grade to express my feelings – because believe me, when they build up, the explosion isn’t pretty – and escape from the horrid reality that I exist in. Now I want to speak my true feelings and paint a vivid image to anyone who is willing to read these posts. I can’t hide my feelings within my fictional characters anymore because it feels as though I am trapped within a closed system and my screams won’t reach beyond the walls. Instead, they bounce back and slap me in the face, forcing me to believe that what im feeling isn’t real and that I’m selfish for ever believing that my feelings should matter. 
I have a question for you reader and you may think I’m crazy but honestly, ask yourself, have you ever felt your own pain? I know a lot of us, we constantly disregard our feelings, the reason? It could be different for everyone, my reason? I feel like other’s have it much worse than I do – which is true in most cases – and I don’t deserve to cry from my pain. Sometimes, I forget that I too, am human. But back to my question, I know you have felt pain before but have you ever thought about all the things you’ve been through and all the people you have lost and it just brings tears to your eyes and pain to your heart? Have you ever given yourself the time to sympathize for yourself? That’s what I was feeling in that moment and I knew I needed to find a way to express my pain and I thought, what about a blog? That’s when I picked up my phone and made it happen. 

Did I mention I wasn’t having the best day? I had missed the bus and I had to call my step-father to pick me up and my mom called me and was yelling at me and asking me how could I have let the bus leave me and I told her I lost track of time. Which, in a way I did, my phone said the last bus was coming at 10:15pm and the bus stop said 10:00pm. [Before I called my step-father] I saw an old friend at the bus stop and she was explaining it all to me. I was ready to take another path home when she said, “you’re taking the Uber with me!” I agreed. We search and her phone ended up dying so we thought we missed the Uber. We went inside to Second Cup and charged our phones and that’s when I called my step-father. 

The rest of my day only seemed to go downhill from that point and by the time I got home, my emotions from my day had built up and my tears washed away with my shower. Now, here I am. Hello, WordPress.