A poem for a comparing heart

Maybe open your mind rather than your eyes. Comparisons do not work in this world. He is not him, no, you should know that and you are not her. 

Even when you’re straining your eyes to see his crimson lips, silky skin and perfect curls, he is not him, no one is. So stop squinting to blur your vision so that you can pretend that he is him. He is not him. 

Wow, are you questioning your sanity? Didn’t you just think you we’re beautiful yesterday? Why is her photo making you uncomfortable? You are not her. Stop squinting your eyes, you were beautiful until you started squinting. Stop trying to see her when all you will ever see in the mirror is you. You are not her. 

You are not her because you are you. You were beautiful yesterday and you’re still beautiful today. How long will it take you to realize that? Don’t ever squint your eyes again because once they’re closed, you will never be the same at heart. Open not only your eyes, open your mind, open your heart, so you can love someone, someone that’s not him. 

He is not him, he is himself and he deserves to be treated with equal love because he loves you and he sees you, can you finally see him? 


Boy, You’re Bipolar.

When I say boy, I am referring to a guy. Yes, but not just any guy, I’m talking about my manager, I’ve had an on and off crush on him since I started working here. The reason as to why my crush is so on and off is because he’s so damn on and off. It gets so annoying at times but then sometimes he plays around with me and I can’t help but giggle like a giddy school girl. 

One, let me start off my describing this sculpture of man, created by God himself. He is seriously beautiful, especially when he’s serious, it’s sexy because he’s more demanding. He has a black afro that screams out against his caramel skin. His eyes are a dark chocolaty brown, so intense and desirable. Everytime I stand close to him, Im secretly begging for him to lay those eyes on me.

 I need to shamefully admit that his butt is one of his nicest features. I check him out 90% of my shifts. 

When he’s in a good mood, he looks at me a lot more often. He pokes me in my side childishly and says, “get back to work!” He’ll even stand, unmoved, while I entangle myself around him as I try to reach for something. His body will press against my back and all I can really do is gasp quietly and continue doing what I’m doing. The dreadful thought of how his naked body would feel against mine only haunts me in the moment. 

I love when he’s playful, I find it so hard to resist and when he’s resistant and ignores me, I still find myself begging for his attention. I don’t know what it is about his denial that turns me on. 

Do you want to know the worst part about this? He has a girlfriend, but she is nonexistent when I see him. I feel like he acts differently with me than with the other employees and that’s why his girlfriend gives me the looks that she does but honestly sometimes lust can overpower guilt. I refuse to turn my crush into anything more but I can always daydream.
He’s really a fucking asshole. Thought that escalated quick, huh? That’s how fast his mood changes. He treats me like crap a majority of the time and I hate it. He’s usually in a bad mood and somedays he’ll switch from a good mood to bad mood to good, etc. He’ll boss me around and not like an employer to an employee but just like a bully to a little kid. He’s only two years older than me but sometimes he acts like it’s a 10 year difference. He really hurts my feelings sometimes, when he yells at me and picks on me. Sometimes I want to cry because I wish he would stop being such a jerk and just really look at me for once and see how much pain he’s causing. I wish he could look at me and see how much I just want him to just press me against a wall agressively and just…

Oh god, I want him.

The More You Know, The Less You Sleep.

Let me enlighten you, what I believe is that true fear comes from within us. Being awake and having knowledge is enough to drive me crazy, and you? Could you say your fears are any less odd or unexpected?

You might need to leave the teabag in because you’ll need your tea strong for this one. This is my first post of my late night thoughts. 

Ask yourself, why are children so innocent, so happy? Wouldn’t you say it’s because they lack knowledge of the world’s dangers and haven’t been touched by the corrupted knowledge that even we, as adults, fear? We fear knowledge, it cannot be helped, although there is a bunch of us who are willing to question our entire being, there are only a handful of us who are willing to accept the possible negative outcome. 

When you know that at the end of the day, everyday, all that’s really waiting for you is a comfy, wooden, casket that’ll be buried six feet under, how do you feel? Have you ever addressed death head on? Have you ever asked yourself, what’s next? 

Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Catholic, Atheism, or even those of you who believe in scientific theories, I know you have thought about it, we all have. Are you afraid? What if there is no after life and we are all doomed to dust? Or what if there is an afterlife but you don’t qualify to make it into paradise?  Doesn’t it scare you? Sometimes I cry, sometimes I scream and other times I beg God to stop the inevitable. Other times I force myself to accept an undetermined faith and sometimes I find it comforting and other times I find myself pulling my hair out.

I am on the bridge of madness but am I mad? Can you call a mad man mad because his brain contains more knowledge than yours? I know things and the existance of things and it scares me. I have such a long journey ahead of me in this life and Im scared but I can’t help but be curious. Do you want to know what scares me the most and makes me fear for my life? Humans.

A Little Too Hype [Baddies]

[I took these photos from the Instagram account @putaslxy] 

So take a look at these photos…what do you think? Beautiful? Crazy? Young, wild and free? Regardless of what you think, these four photos all have something in common. They consist of a woman we call a baddie. Baddies from my current knowledge are girls who are sexy, they wear flawless make up, a perfect body, amazing hair and somehow, look gorgeous in every single photo. On Instagram, you could search the words “Puta”, “Baddie” or “Slut” and it would result to common pages. It’s not like these women are actually sluts [we don’t know them personally] but it’s just common words used to form usernames for those who display mosaics of different photos of baddies. I know some girls, like mysel, admire these women because they’re beautiful. It makes you a little envious when you see their perfect bodies and their flawless make up. I have tried to create looks that reflect baddie looks, such a these ones…

[I took these photos from google images, I googled “baddie outfits”] [These photos are not of me]

So would you believe me if I told you that this is what my friends looked like? They look like baddies and they are very hype, attitude-wise and personality-wise. To be honest, since I started university, it has been very difficult for me to make friends. Truly, I only have two friends [I knew them from highschool] and they have their friends but they’re friends are not my friends. Get it? More Importantly, I have been very introverted for the past month because of my lack of interest in school. I pulled myself away from the two friends I have and now, after a month, I see them again and they’re surrounded by friends and their loud and confidence. I have already been suffering, now seeing them and their popularity has made me feel horrible for shutting myself out but it only makes me want to shut myself out even more. 

So let me start from last night when I decided that I wanted to try to be more verbally social. So yesterday [after I handed in a late assignment and felt like shit], I was walking through the mall and went into the hair store [they sold makeup, hair products, makeup, etc] and picked up two sets of false lashes. I had a math lecture the next day and I just wanted to look like a baddie for the day. When I got home I couldn’t put the lashes on because my natural lashes were so curly that they’d push the false lashes upwards. I was getting super frustrated and just cut the lashes and tried to glue them on piece by piece. It took a few tries but I finally succeeded. [Reminder that this was at 9:00PM]. I had to adjust the lashes a million times and cut them to look better. When they were finally perfect, I went to bed. [Yes, I slept with the lashes on]. It wasn’t that uncomfortable because I made sure I wouldn’t feel them. 

When I woke up, the first thing I did was, I made sure to check that my lashes still looked ok and felt comfortable. I did my makeup and to be honest, its wasn’t baddie material but a close second. I decided to text my best friend and tell her I was going to see her again because we hadn’t seen each other in a while. She told me the room she would be in so I got dressed and left about 2 hours after I texted her.

When I got to school, I found the room and I was shocked to see more than my two friends in the room but one of their female friends that I knew and three of their male friends. I couldn’t bring myself to even look at the other people other than my two friends, hugged then and sat down. After a while, I put myself in a corner and watched anime on my phone. 

[I took this from Tumblr] [Anime: Yuri on Ice]

Thats the thing about me, my look doesn’t match my hobbies or personality. 

I look like the photo on the right when in reality I am the photo on the left.

[I took this photo from google, I googled “Jellyfish Princess Tsukimi before and after”

So moreover, I followed them to get food and I only spoke to my two friends, all of them stopped every two minutes to talk to someone, it was like they knew everyone and I just stood to the side awkwardly as they all hugged people. When we got back to the room, guess what? More baddies and the worst part for me was that everyone was of the same ethnicity but me, I felt so out of place. Everyone hugged each other and I wanted to say Hi, I really did but I couldn’t, it wouldn’t come out of my mouth. I just sat down and went on my phone. My friends’ friend [the girl I knew], was leaving and said bye to everyone except me. I tried to get her attention [by watching her and waiting for her to make eye contact with me like it would work] and she ignored me before leaving. More of the girls left and at one point it was just the guys and me, I felt more comfortable and less stressed when my two friends went to the bathroom and I was in the room with the three guys. They all did their own thing and didn’t look at me so I calmed down. When my two friends came back I told my best friend I was gonna go [I skipped my math lecture] and she decided to go with me since she had work. I got up and looked at the table before saying “Bye” and walking out. I felt so uncomfortable, I don’t like being around people, its so hard, especially with girls that look like this….

[I took this from Instagram @tumblr.lit_]


Started at Second Cup

So there I was, sitting in front of the coffee shop Second Cup and a saddness came over me that caused me to pick up my phone, enter the app store and type the word “Blog” into the search bar. I felt like I needed a release, an escape of some kind and it couldn’t just be any escape but it had to be one that sparked my interest. I have been writing fictional stories since the sixth grade to express my feelings – because believe me, when they build up, the explosion isn’t pretty – and escape from the horrid reality that I exist in. Now I want to speak my true feelings and paint a vivid image to anyone who is willing to read these posts. I can’t hide my feelings within my fictional characters anymore because it feels as though I am trapped within a closed system and my screams won’t reach beyond the walls. Instead, they bounce back and slap me in the face, forcing me to believe that what im feeling isn’t real and that I’m selfish for ever believing that my feelings should matter. 
I have a question for you reader and you may think I’m crazy but honestly, ask yourself, have you ever felt your own pain? I know a lot of us, we constantly disregard our feelings, the reason? It could be different for everyone, my reason? I feel like other’s have it much worse than I do – which is true in most cases – and I don’t deserve to cry from my pain. Sometimes, I forget that I too, am human. But back to my question, I know you have felt pain before but have you ever thought about all the things you’ve been through and all the people you have lost and it just brings tears to your eyes and pain to your heart? Have you ever given yourself the time to sympathize for yourself? That’s what I was feeling in that moment and I knew I needed to find a way to express my pain and I thought, what about a blog? That’s when I picked up my phone and made it happen. 

Did I mention I wasn’t having the best day? I had missed the bus and I had to call my step-father to pick me up and my mom called me and was yelling at me and asking me how could I have let the bus leave me and I told her I lost track of time. Which, in a way I did, my phone said the last bus was coming at 10:15pm and the bus stop said 10:00pm. [Before I called my step-father] I saw an old friend at the bus stop and she was explaining it all to me. I was ready to take another path home when she said, “you’re taking the Uber with me!” I agreed. We search and her phone ended up dying so we thought we missed the Uber. We went inside to Second Cup and charged our phones and that’s when I called my step-father. 

The rest of my day only seemed to go downhill from that point and by the time I got home, my emotions from my day had built up and my tears washed away with my shower. Now, here I am. Hello, WordPress.