Boy, You’re Bipolar.

When I say boy, I am referring to a guy. Yes, but not just any guy, I’m talking about my manager, I’ve had an on and off crush on him since I started working here. The reason as to why my crush is so on and off is because he’s so damn on and off. It gets so annoying at times but then sometimes he plays around with me and I can’t help but giggle like a giddy school girl. 

One, let me start off my describing this sculpture of man, created by God himself. He is seriously beautiful, especially when he’s serious, it’s sexy because he’s more demanding. He has a black afro that screams out against his caramel skin. His eyes are a dark chocolaty brown, so intense and desirable. Everytime I stand close to him, Im secretly begging for him to lay those eyes on me.

 I need to shamefully admit that his butt is one of his nicest features. I check him out 90% of my shifts. 

When he’s in a good mood, he looks at me a lot more often. He pokes me in my side childishly and says, “get back to work!” He’ll even stand, unmoved, while I entangle myself around him as I try to reach for something. His body will press against my back and all I can really do is gasp quietly and continue doing what I’m doing. The dreadful thought of how his naked body would feel against mine only haunts me in the moment. 

I love when he’s playful, I find it so hard to resist and when he’s resistant and ignores me, I still find myself begging for his attention. I don’t know what it is about his denial that turns me on. 

Do you want to know the worst part about this? He has a girlfriend, but she is nonexistent when I see him. I feel like he acts differently with me than with the other employees and that’s why his girlfriend gives me the looks that she does but honestly sometimes lust can overpower guilt. I refuse to turn my crush into anything more but I can always daydream.
He’s really a fucking asshole. Thought that escalated quick, huh? That’s how fast his mood changes. He treats me like crap a majority of the time and I hate it. He’s usually in a bad mood and somedays he’ll switch from a good mood to bad mood to good, etc. He’ll boss me around and not like an employer to an employee but just like a bully to a little kid. He’s only two years older than me but sometimes he acts like it’s a 10 year difference. He really hurts my feelings sometimes, when he yells at me and picks on me. Sometimes I want to cry because I wish he would stop being such a jerk and just really look at me for once and see how much pain he’s causing. I wish he could look at me and see how much I just want him to just press me against a wall agressively and just…

Oh god, I want him.


The More You Know, The Less You Sleep.

Let me enlighten you, what I believe is that true fear comes from within us. Being awake and having knowledge is enough to drive me crazy, and you? Could you say your fears are any less odd or unexpected?

You might need to leave the teabag in because you’ll need your tea strong for this one. This is my first post of my late night thoughts. 

Ask yourself, why are children so innocent, so happy? Wouldn’t you say it’s because they lack knowledge of the world’s dangers and haven’t been touched by the corrupted knowledge that even we, as adults, fear? We fear knowledge, it cannot be helped, although there is a bunch of us who are willing to question our entire being, there are only a handful of us who are willing to accept the possible negative outcome. 

When you know that at the end of the day, everyday, all that’s really waiting for you is a comfy, wooden, casket that’ll be buried six feet under, how do you feel? Have you ever addressed death head on? Have you ever asked yourself, what’s next? 

Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Catholic, Atheism, or even those of you who believe in scientific theories, I know you have thought about it, we all have. Are you afraid? What if there is no after life and we are all doomed to dust? Or what if there is an afterlife but you don’t qualify to make it into paradise?  Doesn’t it scare you? Sometimes I cry, sometimes I scream and other times I beg God to stop the inevitable. Other times I force myself to accept an undetermined faith and sometimes I find it comforting and other times I find myself pulling my hair out.

I am on the bridge of madness but am I mad? Can you call a mad man mad because his brain contains more knowledge than yours? I know things and the existance of things and it scares me. I have such a long journey ahead of me in this life and Im scared but I can’t help but be curious. Do you want to know what scares me the most and makes me fear for my life? Humans.