Boy, You’re Bipolar.

When I say boy, I am referring to a guy. Yes, but not just any guy, I’m talking about my manager, I’ve had an on and off crush on him since I started working here. The reason as to why my crush is so on and off is because he’s so damn on and off. It gets so annoying at times but then sometimes he plays around with me and I can’t help but giggle like a giddy school girl. 

One, let me start off my describing this sculpture of man, created by God himself. He is seriously beautiful, especially when he’s serious, it’s sexy because he’s more demanding. He has a black afro that screams out against his caramel skin. His eyes are a dark chocolaty brown, so intense and desirable. Everytime I stand close to him, Im secretly begging for him to lay those eyes on me.

 I need to shamefully admit that his butt is one of his nicest features. I check him out 90% of my shifts. 

When he’s in a good mood, he looks at me a lot more often. He pokes me in my side childishly and says, “get back to work!” He’ll even stand, unmoved, while I entangle myself around him as I try to reach for something. His body will press against my back and all I can really do is gasp quietly and continue doing what I’m doing. The dreadful thought of how his naked body would feel against mine only haunts me in the moment. 

I love when he’s playful, I find it so hard to resist and when he’s resistant and ignores me, I still find myself begging for his attention. I don’t know what it is about his denial that turns me on. 

Do you want to know the worst part about this? He has a girlfriend, but she is nonexistent when I see him. I feel like he acts differently with me than with the other employees and that’s why his girlfriend gives me the looks that she does but honestly sometimes lust can overpower guilt. I refuse to turn my crush into anything more but I can always daydream.
He’s really a fucking asshole. Thought that escalated quick, huh? That’s how fast his mood changes. He treats me like crap a majority of the time and I hate it. He’s usually in a bad mood and somedays he’ll switch from a good mood to bad mood to good, etc. He’ll boss me around and not like an employer to an employee but just like a bully to a little kid. He’s only two years older than me but sometimes he acts like it’s a 10 year difference. He really hurts my feelings sometimes, when he yells at me and picks on me. Sometimes I want to cry because I wish he would stop being such a jerk and just really look at me for once and see how much pain he’s causing. I wish he could look at me and see how much I just want him to just press me against a wall agressively and just…

Oh god, I want him.

A Little Too Hype [Baddies]

[I took these photos from the Instagram account @putaslxy] 

So take a look at these photos…what do you think? Beautiful? Crazy? Young, wild and free? Regardless of what you think, these four photos all have something in common. They consist of a woman we call a baddie. Baddies from my current knowledge are girls who are sexy, they wear flawless make up, a perfect body, amazing hair and somehow, look gorgeous in every single photo. On Instagram, you could search the words “Puta”, “Baddie” or “Slut” and it would result to common pages. It’s not like these women are actually sluts [we don’t know them personally] but it’s just common words used to form usernames for those who display mosaics of different photos of baddies. I know some girls, like mysel, admire these women because they’re beautiful. It makes you a little envious when you see their perfect bodies and their flawless make up. I have tried to create looks that reflect baddie looks, such a these ones…

[I took these photos from google images, I googled “baddie outfits”] [These photos are not of me]

So would you believe me if I told you that this is what my friends looked like? They look like baddies and they are very hype, attitude-wise and personality-wise. To be honest, since I started university, it has been very difficult for me to make friends. Truly, I only have two friends [I knew them from highschool] and they have their friends but they’re friends are not my friends. Get it? More Importantly, I have been very introverted for the past month because of my lack of interest in school. I pulled myself away from the two friends I have and now, after a month, I see them again and they’re surrounded by friends and their loud and confidence. I have already been suffering, now seeing them and their popularity has made me feel horrible for shutting myself out but it only makes me want to shut myself out even more. 

So let me start from last night when I decided that I wanted to try to be more verbally social. So yesterday [after I handed in a late assignment and felt like shit], I was walking through the mall and went into the hair store [they sold makeup, hair products, makeup, etc] and picked up two sets of false lashes. I had a math lecture the next day and I just wanted to look like a baddie for the day. When I got home I couldn’t put the lashes on because my natural lashes were so curly that they’d push the false lashes upwards. I was getting super frustrated and just cut the lashes and tried to glue them on piece by piece. It took a few tries but I finally succeeded. [Reminder that this was at 9:00PM]. I had to adjust the lashes a million times and cut them to look better. When they were finally perfect, I went to bed. [Yes, I slept with the lashes on]. It wasn’t that uncomfortable because I made sure I wouldn’t feel them. 

When I woke up, the first thing I did was, I made sure to check that my lashes still looked ok and felt comfortable. I did my makeup and to be honest, its wasn’t baddie material but a close second. I decided to text my best friend and tell her I was going to see her again because we hadn’t seen each other in a while. She told me the room she would be in so I got dressed and left about 2 hours after I texted her.

When I got to school, I found the room and I was shocked to see more than my two friends in the room but one of their female friends that I knew and three of their male friends. I couldn’t bring myself to even look at the other people other than my two friends, hugged then and sat down. After a while, I put myself in a corner and watched anime on my phone. 

[I took this from Tumblr] [Anime: Yuri on Ice]

Thats the thing about me, my look doesn’t match my hobbies or personality. 

I look like the photo on the right when in reality I am the photo on the left.

[I took this photo from google, I googled “Jellyfish Princess Tsukimi before and after”

So moreover, I followed them to get food and I only spoke to my two friends, all of them stopped every two minutes to talk to someone, it was like they knew everyone and I just stood to the side awkwardly as they all hugged people. When we got back to the room, guess what? More baddies and the worst part for me was that everyone was of the same ethnicity but me, I felt so out of place. Everyone hugged each other and I wanted to say Hi, I really did but I couldn’t, it wouldn’t come out of my mouth. I just sat down and went on my phone. My friends’ friend [the girl I knew], was leaving and said bye to everyone except me. I tried to get her attention [by watching her and waiting for her to make eye contact with me like it would work] and she ignored me before leaving. More of the girls left and at one point it was just the guys and me, I felt more comfortable and less stressed when my two friends went to the bathroom and I was in the room with the three guys. They all did their own thing and didn’t look at me so I calmed down. When my two friends came back I told my best friend I was gonna go [I skipped my math lecture] and she decided to go with me since she had work. I got up and looked at the table before saying “Bye” and walking out. I felt so uncomfortable, I don’t like being around people, its so hard, especially with girls that look like this….

[I took this from Instagram @tumblr.lit_]

DO YOU UNDERTAND MY ANXIETY AND FRUSTRATION?